I am finding myself in the odd situation of having almost nothing to blog about. Not because there’s nothing going in with me but because none of the things that I have going on are things I feel OK about talking about in this public way. I could talk about that one thing – but then I’d have to explain about the other thing – and then there’s that issue that it raises – and suddenly I don’t want to bother. Everything of any interest or importance in my life right now could be described that way.
I don’t know what this means but it’s starting to bug me. I’m wondering if I need to either get a lot more open about myself or just stop blogging for a while – it seems like I need to do one or the other and I’m not sure which way to go. I could go all cryptic and say things like “my friends know what I mean when I say that things are happening in that situation you all know about!” (aside, to my friends who know about my various situations, that applies to pretty much all of them.) There’s really no point to doing that, though. In terms of blogging, I feel stuck. I could just shut up for a while – I’ve certainly done that before here – but I have all this creative energy zinging around that needs an outlet.
So instead I’ll write about the zinginess itself. I am feeling incredibly zingy this spring. I feel active and energetic and engaged with life in ways I haven’t felt in years. I feel springy and alive and athletic and powerful and beautiful. I have spent the past seven years wandering the Underworld looking for something I lost there all those years ago, and suddenly I feel like I’ve surfaced into sunshine and fresh air. All the same stressful situations I have to deal with still hold and I still have to deal, but I don’t feel so afraid. I still get anxious sometimes, but it passes and I can watch it pass.
At Ostara, I walked on fire. When I did that, I felt like I surrendered something. Surrendered to fire, surrendered to change, surrendered to joy and love and the continuing return of the light. It changed everything. My teacher describes the practice as transformational. I didn’t know what that meant until I did it and I can’t describe it now except to say that it burned something away that needed to go. I did it again in April and it changed more. I’m going to do it again in June and I’m really looking forward to it.
At the same time, I’ve been getting more deeply involved in my healing work. Again, there’s a feeling of surrender with that. For that work, I need to surrender myself to the energy and completely get my ego out of the way – I rely completely on my guides for this. When I do that work I just give myself over completely to it, and to be able to do that at all takes work on myself. Every day I have to do my practices and listen to my guides and let myself be led by them. I used to do this kind of work for myself, to help get through the hard parts of life and to better appreciate and develop my relationship with the universe. There’s still an element of that in my work, but there is a different current to it now that feels more powerful and significant. Now I do my work entirely for Love – no other reason. That’s where my surrender has taken me – to “the bond of Love, heavy with Fire,” as the theurgists have it.
I still worry and stress and become afraid in the night; it’s not as though I’ve suddenly found enlightenment. There is a part of me that is waiting with bated breath for the next crisis to come along. I don’t know how I will face it – will I still be able to follow this path? I don’t know, but for now it’s all amazing.